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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Jokes Jokes 25   Wed Jun 05, 2013 8:39 am

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out
to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went
to last night?'

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Thu Jun 06, 2013 1:07 am

affraid affraid cheers cheers lol! lol!



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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Thu Jun 06, 2013 7:54 am

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown.'

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Fri Jun 07, 2013 8:22 am

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Sat Jun 08, 2013 8:55 am

Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth. Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag. Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and carefully pours 2 drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and quickly go limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water.
A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with 2 frogs in its mouth.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Sat Jun 08, 2013 9:19 pm

The full secrets to a happy marriage

Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship. She goes Tuesday and I go Friday.

We sleep in separate beds, hers in Watford mine in Somerset.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary, “Somewhere I haven’t been for a long time” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, an electric toaster and an electric bread-maker. When she said that she had too many gadgets, but nowhere to sit down, I bought her an electric chair.

Remember that marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I married Miss Right, I just didn’t know her first name was always.

I haven’t spoken to her for 18 months - I don’t like to interrupt her.

The last time we had a fight it was my fault. She asked “what’s on the TV?” I said “Dust”.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then, God created man and rested. Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has rested."

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Sun Jun 09, 2013 8:04 am

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's
perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Mon Jun 10, 2013 8:17 am

Farmer picks up an American Indian hitch hiking. The Indian is a man of few words but eventually looks at the brown paper bag in between them and asks, "Mmm, What in bag?" The farmer says, "It's a bottle of wine that I got for my wife". Indian thinks for a second and say, "Mmm, good trade"

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Tue Jun 11, 2013 7:04 am

affraid affraid cheers cheers cheers lol! lol!


Some good ones there Tommy.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:22 am

An 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Wed Jun 12, 2013 6:10 am

Paddy runs into the pub and says,"Mick, your cars just been stolen".
Mick screams, "Bloody hell, did you see who stole it?"
"No" says Paddy "but i got the registration number."

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Thu Jun 13, 2013 1:32 am

affraidaffraidlol!lol!cheerscheers

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Thu Jun 13, 2013 8:36 am

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.




The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Fri Jun 14, 2013 7:34 am

Marriage Humour ...










Wife: 'What are you doing?' 




Husband: Nothing. 




Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' 




Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.' 




------------------------------- 




Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' 




Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' 




Wife: 'Yes or no.' 







-------------------------------------------------------- 




Stress Reliever 

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' 




Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' 




Girl: 'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.' 




------------------------------ 




Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' 




Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' 




Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap..' 




________________________________ 




A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 




'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' 




------------------------------------------------------------ 




A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' 




He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!' 

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Fri Jun 14, 2013 8:49 am

This is still showing white and i hope you can read it..

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Fri Jun 14, 2013 8:50 am

It seems to be working again..

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Fri Jun 14, 2013 8:54 am

Lots of jokes missing ..ha..ha

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Fri Jun 14, 2013 7:48 pm

The fact that he's holding a stick should be a big red flag. Here's how it's done:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1I8cLhCcQ4

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Sat Jun 15, 2013 1:54 am

see what you mean.

use font colours for the moment re anything but white or black


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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Sat Jun 15, 2013 8:19 am

This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests' complaints during the season. 

(Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA) 

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 


"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake." 


"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."..


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Last edited by tommy.irene on Sat Jun 15, 2013 2:00 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Sat Jun 15, 2013 8:20 am

I hope you can see the jokes as all i get is a blank screen after i post..

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Sat Jun 15, 2013 1:57 pm

Testing

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Sun Jun 16, 2013 4:58 am

fter every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which

conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during

the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct

the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form

what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets

before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of

humor!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as

submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance

engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)




P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.




P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.




P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.




P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.




P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.




P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.




P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.




P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.




P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.




P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.




P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.




P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.




P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.




P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Mon Jun 17, 2013 7:19 pm

Testing..   TESTING WRITTEN IN CYAN


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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 25   Tue Jun 18, 2013 8:27 am

After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his old friend Peter on the bus.

“Say,” Peter said, “How’s it going?” “Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me- what’s today’s date?”

“July seventh.” “Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.” “Let me guess,” Peter interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.” “Right.”

“And he won!” Peter sighed.

“No. He came in seventh.”

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