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 Jokes ..Jokes ..6

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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Jokes ..Jokes ..6   Thu Sep 13, 2012 3:42 pm

This is not a Joke.......Please read this..




They told me the big black Lab's name was Reggie, as I looked at him lying in his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really friendly. I'd only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town...
, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street.

But something was still missing as I
attempted to settle in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn't hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen Reggie's advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn't look like "Lab people," whatever that meant. They must've thought I did.

But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes and a sealed letter from his previous owner.

See, Reggie and I didn't really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too.
Maybe we were too much alike.

I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let's see if your previous owner has any advice."
____________ _________ _________ _________

To Whomever Gets My Dog:

Well, I can't say that I'm happy you're reading this, a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by Reggie's new owner. I'm not even happy writing it. He knew something was different.

So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you bond with him and he with you.

First, he loves tennis balls. The more the merrier. Sometimes I think he's part squirrel, the way he hoards them. He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in there. Hasn't done it yet. Doesn't
matter where you throw them, he'll bound after them, so be careful. Don't do it by any roads.

Next, commands. Reggie knows the obvious ones ---"sit," "stay," "come," "heel."

He knows hand signals, too: He knows "ball" and "food" and "bone" and "treat" like nobody's business.

Feeding schedule: twice a day, regular store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.

He's up on his shots. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck getting him in the car. I don't know how he knows when it's time to go to the vet, but he knows.

Finally, give him some time. It's only been Reggie and me for his whole life. He's gone everywhere with me, so please include him on your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn't bark or complain. He just loves to be around people, and me most especially.

And that's why I need to share one more bit of info with you...His name's not Reggie. He's a smart dog, he'll get used to it and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. But I just couldn't bear to give them his real name. But if someone is reading this ... well it means that his new owner should know his real name. His real name is "Tank." Because, that is what I drive.

I told the shelter that they couldn't make "Reggie" available for adoption until they received word from my company commander. You see, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could've left Tank with .. and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq, that they make one phone call to the shelter ... in the "event" ... to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption. Luckily, my CO is a dog-guy, too, and he knew where my platoon was headed. He said he'd do it personally. And if you're reading this, then he made good on his word.

Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my family. And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your family, too, and that he will adjust and come to love you the same way he
loved me.

If I have to give up Tank to keep those terrible people from coming to the US I am glad to have done so. He is my example of service and of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.

All right, that's enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter off at the shelter. Maybe I'll peek in on him and see if he finally got that third tennis ball in his mouth.

Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss goodnight - every night - from me.

Thank you,

Paul Mallory
____________ _________ _________ _______

I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure, I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the Silver
Star when he gave his life to save three buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer.

I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at the dog.

"Hey, Tank," I said quietly.

The dog's head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes bright.

"C'mere boy."

He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head tilted, searching for the name he hadn't heard in months. "Tank," I whispered.

His tail swished.

I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my
face into his scruff and hugged him.

"It's me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me." Tank reached up and licked my cheek.

"So whatdaya say we play some ball?" His ears perked again.

"Yeah? Ball? You like that? Ball?"


Tank tore from my hands and disappeared into the next room. And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth......

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes ..Jokes ..6   Sat Sep 15, 2012 1:57 am

Great Story Tommy. Neutral

I appreciated the read.

Regards

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes ..Jokes ..6   Sun Sep 16, 2012 9:06 am

Three Ladies
in a Sauna


THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE BEEPING STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I
HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM".

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO
HER EAR..

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP
IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD
TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE
BATHROOM..

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.......I'M
GETTING A
FAX"!!

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes ..Jokes ..6   Sun Sep 16, 2012 9:42 am

lol! lol! lol! lol!

Top one Tommy.

ROFLMAO

Regards

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes ..Jokes ..6   Tue Sep 18, 2012 11:32 am

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
A human hair can hold 3kg.
The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.
Women blink 2x as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.
The woman has read this entire text.
The man is still looking at his thumb.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes ..Jokes ..6   Sat Sep 22, 2012 7:40 am

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: Once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing long with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start
the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.
Noah! He roared, I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?
Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, but things have changed.
I needed a building permit.
I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark ‘s move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration is checking the status of most of the people who want to work.
The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, they seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No,” said the Lord.

“The government beat me to it.”

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes ..Jokes ..6   Sun Sep 23, 2012 1:07 am

lol! lol! lol!

I'm still looking at my thumb. lol!

regards

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes ..Jokes ..6   Sun Sep 23, 2012 7:57 am

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"Oops!"

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes ..Jokes ..6   Tue Sep 25, 2012 9:58 am

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook. "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed soley by his arm."
"Well put," the judge replied with a grin. "Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's help, he detatched his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes ..Jokes ..6   Wed Sep 26, 2012 12:47 am

cheers Very Happy afro lol!

Loved them.

Regards

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes ..Jokes ..6   Wed Sep 26, 2012 8:20 am

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. “Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“It’s true,” said the patient, “but my wife refuses to sleep alone.”

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