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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Jokes Jokes 21   Fri Apr 05, 2013 8:17 am

This is post 200.. so ..snipe.. bounce bounce bounce

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Sat Apr 06, 2013 1:56 am

And Snip! lol!


Regards and congrats Tommy. cheers


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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Sat Apr 06, 2013 7:54 am

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Sun Apr 07, 2013 6:28 am

The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.
Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
Agent: "Wait just a minute, Susan... it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Mon Apr 08, 2013 12:49 am

cheers cheers cheers cheers lol! lol!


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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Mon Apr 08, 2013 7:28 am

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Tue Apr 09, 2013 9:30 am

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Wed Apr 10, 2013 8:34 am



A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see.. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad
drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell
me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out notes I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes
twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Thu Apr 11, 2013 6:00 am

hree Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.


'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.


'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.



'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'



But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'





You're goanna LOVE me for this....




The third piggy says -



'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Fri Apr 12, 2013 1:29 am

affraid cheers cheers cheers cheers lol! lol! lol!


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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Fri Apr 12, 2013 10:08 am

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
“Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Sat Apr 13, 2013 7:09 am

“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink. “Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one- hundred thousand dollars” said the man. “That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me.” “Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand dollars.” “So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” Asked the bartender. “This month – so far – not a cent.”

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Sun Apr 14, 2013 6:31 am

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ...your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies,"Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin .

When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ...

ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.

One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,

"I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says,

"Bejesus, everyone is fine ! Tis me ... I've quit drinking !"

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Mon Apr 15, 2013 4:21 am

IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Tue Apr 16, 2013 1:22 am

affraid cheers cheers cheers cheers lol! lol! lol!

Some goodies there.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Tue Apr 16, 2013 6:21 am

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Wed Apr 17, 2013 7:58 am

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A
LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Thu Apr 18, 2013 2:02 am

cheers affraid cheers cheers cheers lol! lol!

Excellent.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:14 am

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
The agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma
Of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
From the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
Out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
Railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the
Door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's
Agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for
There, spread out upon the kitchen table were
Literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
Devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left
This world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
Towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the
Edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife
With a wooden spoon .........
..........

.........

Bugger off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:33 am

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
...
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

"She fainted.”

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 21   Fri Apr 19, 2013 8:02 am

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!

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