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| | | Jokes Jokes 15 |  |
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tommy.irene
Posts : 375
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Gran Canaria..Canary Isles.
 |  Subject: Jokes Jokes 15  Thu Jan 17, 2013 7:23 am | |
| A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time, the proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3, you were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray, it ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week." | |
|  | | tommy.irene
Posts : 375
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Gran Canaria..Canary Isles.
| | Subject: Re: Jokes Jokes 15 Fri Jan 18, 2013 6:08 am | |
| Judge: Haven’t I seen you before?
Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.
Judge: Twenty years! | |
| | | | Admin
Admin
Posts : 339
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Australia
| | Subject: Re: Jokes Jokes 15 Sat Jan 19, 2013 2:02 am | |
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| | | | tommy.irene
Posts : 375
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Gran Canaria..Canary Isles.
| | Subject: Re: Jokes Jokes 15 Sat Jan 19, 2013 6:51 am | |
| Rugby in Heaven
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there IS rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday | |
| | | | Admin
Admin
Posts : 339
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Australia
| | Subject: Re: Jokes Jokes 15 Sat Jan 19, 2013 11:27 pm | |
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| | | | tommy.irene
Posts : 375
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Gran Canaria..Canary Isles.
| | Subject: Re: Jokes Jokes 15 Sun Jan 20, 2013 7:51 am | |
| A man goes into confessional, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned".
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
"I had sexual relations with my girlfriend"
"And how did you sin my son?"
"Well she was stretching up to the top shelf for a tin of baked beans, I was overcome with lust and we sinned"
"That's not too bad". says the priest
"Will I be banned from the church Father?"
The priest smiled and said "No my son, why do you ask ?"
"Well they banned us from Tescos". | |
| | | | Admin
Admin
Posts : 339
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Australia
| | Subject: Re: Jokes Jokes 15 Sun Jan 20, 2013 8:37 am | |
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| | | | tommy.irene
Posts : 375
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Gran Canaria..Canary Isles.
| | Subject: Re: Jokes Jokes 15 Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:19 am | |
| Two roofers, Larry and Joe were on the roof laying tile, when a sudden win gust came and knocked down their ladder. “I have an idea” said Larry. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.” What, do you thing, I’m stupid? “I have and idea” said Joe. “I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.” What, do you think I’m stupid? “You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there. | |
| | | | tommy.irene
Posts : 375
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Gran Canaria..Canary Isles.
| | Subject: Re: Jokes Jokes 15 Thu Jan 24, 2013 9:42 am | |
| How to Tell the Sex of a Fly.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone. | |
| | | | tommy.irene
Posts : 375
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Gran Canaria..Canary Isles.
| | Subject: Re: Jokes Jokes 15 Sun Jan 27, 2013 11:33 pm | |
| The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deans gate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. | |
| | | | Admin
Admin
Posts : 339
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Australia
| | Subject: Re: Jokes Jokes 15 Mon Jan 28, 2013 1:12 am | |
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| | | | tommy.irene
Posts : 375
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Gran Canaria..Canary Isles.
| | Subject: Re: Jokes Jokes 15 Mon Jan 28, 2013 9:17 am | |
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High Speed Grandma was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day HSG was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
HSG fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away HSG sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' HSG dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As HSG neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled High Speed Grandma, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!   
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| | | | Admin
Admin
Posts : 339
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Australia
| | Subject: Re: Jokes Jokes 15 Tue Jan 29, 2013 3:40 am | |
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| | | | tommy.irene
Posts : 375
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Gran Canaria..Canary Isles.
| | Subject: Re: Jokes Jokes 15 Tue Jan 29, 2013 6:51 am | |
| :sunny:Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here." | |
| | | | tommy.irene
Posts : 375
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Gran Canaria..Canary Isles.
| | Subject: Re: Jokes Jokes 15 Thu Jan 31, 2013 8:51 am | |
| Ah! Yes, love is blind, and marriage is and eye opener! I cant under stand why things turn out black.. | |
| | | | tommy.irene
Posts : 375
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Gran Canaria..Canary Isles.
| | Subject: Re: Jokes Jokes 15 Fri Feb 01, 2013 9:14 am | |
| A young lady goes into confessional, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." | |
| | | | Admin
Admin
Posts : 339
Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Australia
| | Subject: Re: Jokes Jokes 15 Fri Feb 01, 2013 11:11 am | |
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