Jokes Jokes 4

Hi Tommy

Herewith Jokes 4

Just use New Topic whenever you need new thread re length.

Regards

Retro

Blonde The Builder





Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was
cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering
in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch,
look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it
into the wood.

The other blonde, confused, watched her do this and after she could
take it no longer yelled up, "Why the %@#& are you throwing some of
the nails away?!" "Whoa! Don't yell!" the blonde on the ladder
explained, "If it's pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I
throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it
safely! Duh!"

The second blonde became irate at this point and started to call her
all kinds of names, referencing how stupid she was and how she was the
reason blonde's get a bad rap for being dumb. She explained the
importance of keeping all the nails, "Don't throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house! Duh!"


Regards


Retro

On their way to Church to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.

If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St.Peter shouted.

"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

Regards

Retro

I hope that was from Irene


Regards

Retro

AS THE HOLIDAY SEASON APPROACHES WE THOUGHT WE WOULD MAKE YOU SMILE!
The following are real comments made in a survey carried out by Thomas cook and ABTA!



"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

"The beach was too sandy"

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room
that we booked."

Last week I checked into my hotel in Benidorm and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogenous, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call..

"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"

"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were outside shouting, '13...13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on...

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14...14...14'...

A couple of goodies there Tommy


Regards


Retro

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 90th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would
like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to
buy
you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with
two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender say s.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how
to hold your liquor. Holding your water however, is a whole other issue.'

Again a goody.

Regards

Retro