Jokes Jokes 16

An Antartian was running back and forth from his computer and his mailbox. Then the mailman came up to him and asked him what he was doing. He replied, "My dumb computer keeps saying 'you've got mail'."

Regards

Retro

All my posts today are coming out dark..

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague ... DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough...
I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

Bear surprises a crew on washing machine shoot .


A firm wanted to do an ad in Canada about the ability of their latest washing machines to work in cold weather. The set-up was fine until a bear happened to wander into their midst.





Bet they were scared.





https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Xoe5Vjl90-o

An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

She quickly responded, "The living one."

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again .......back and forth .....back and forth .....in and out .....in and out.





She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her shoulders and trickling down the small of her back; she was getting near to the end.


Her heart was pounding ...her face was flushed ...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.





Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,





"OK, OK! I can't park the flipping car! You do it, you SMUG baldheaded thing!

Glen, why do you always get so dirty? Asked the teacher.
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. He replied

See your dark problem fixed ok. Print colour ?


Regards

Retro

Should wives put the photographs of their missing husbands on beer cans?

**********

When is the safest time for sex?

When your boyfriend's away on business.

**********

Why do men get married?

So they don't have to hold-in their stomachs any more.

Way down in the bogs , Murph's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said, "Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!
Ain't dat grand!!" Murph got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!!! She a pretty lil ting, too...." Murph got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murph, you just had yourself another boy!"
Murph said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?" The doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception." Murph said, "Ah yeah, during conception." When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mary, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil." She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night" Murph said, "I'll tell you, dear, it's a good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!!

Seamus the zookeeper was approached by the head vet regarding a restless female gorilla who was in season. The vet suggested that Seamus get intimate with the gorilla to settle her down, for £500.
After giving this some thought, Seamus agreed - with three conditions.
'Firstly, that, the zoo is completely empty at the time.'
The vet agreed.
'Secondly, that none of my family or friends ever get to hear about it'
'Of course,' the vet agreed, 'and thirdly?
'That you give me a week to raise the 500 quid!'

Regards

Retro

WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!!! If you read this you willprobably pee your pants or cry from laughter you have been WARNED!!!!! My night began as any other normal weeknight.
Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise...: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
'Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids,
I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out.....must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I
want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The ha ir that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to
poop..

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered
bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub....in scalding hot waterWhich, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me u ndone. It's a very good
conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now . I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub
some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OFIT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

A Texas rancher was driving through Mexico and stopped at the edge of the road to admire the scenery and a white beautiful horse caught his eye. The horse looked healthy well kept and was in a separate corral. Just for tries the Texan asked one of the workers if the horse was for sale. The worker trying to communicate said “No, no, he no look to good.” The Texan was not satisfied with the answered because he saw that the animal looked great and insisted on buying it, after a few arguments the worker arranged for the sale and the Texan took the horse back to his ranch. He rode the horse through his ranch and galloped to the barn when suddenly the horse ran right into the barn wall. Frustrated the Texan takes the horse back to Mexico and talks to the worker that sold him the horse and explains what happened. The worker said, “I told you he no look to good”

A good biggy.

Regards Retro