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PostSubject: Jokes Jokes 23   Sat May 04, 2013 7:51 am

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Jack a visiting British sailor had a date with Peggy Sue.


He arrived at her house and rang the bell.


'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Jack in.


'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink, a beer perhaps?'


'Beer please,' Jack said. Mum brought the beer.


'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight? she asked.


'Oh probably go to a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat or maybe take a walk on the beach...'


'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.


'Really?' Jack replied; eyebrows raised.


'Oh yes,' mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'


'Is that so?' asked Jack, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the mother, 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'


'Well, thanks for the tip!' Jack said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening!


A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Jack.


'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.


Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.


'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.


'The dance is called the Bloody Twist!'

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Sun May 05, 2013 2:24 am

affraid affraid cheers cheers cheers lol! lol!


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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Sun May 05, 2013 8:21 am


A doctor is addressing an audience.

"The material that we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed us years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode our stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disasterous and none of realise the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water....but there is one thing we eat that has a long term and disasterous effect on our lives. This one food alone...and most of us have or will eat it sometime in our lives....can cause grief and suffering for years after eating it. Can anyone here tell me what it is?"

After several seconds of silence, an old chap in the front row raised his hand and softly said...

"Wedding Cake".

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Mon May 06, 2013 12:34 am

cheers cheers cheers lol! lol!

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Mon May 06, 2013 9:41 am

How to get revenge on negative people.



A woman was at the hairdressers getting her hair styled for a forthcoming trip to Rome. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who said.."Rome!! What the hell do you wanna go there for? It's noisy, dirty and smelly. You're crazy to go to Rome! How are you getting there?"

"We're flying with Continental Airways" replied the woman.

"Continental!!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. The planes are old, they're always late and the flight attendants are ugly! So where are you staying in Rome?"

"Lovely place beside the river Tiber called the Royal Hotel" said the woman.

"The Royal!" exclaimed the hairdresser...."I know it...everyone thinks it's going to be smart and exclusive but it's a dump...he worst hotel in the city! So what do you plan on doing in Rome"

"We're going to the Vatican and hopefully, we'll see the Pope."

"Some hope" replied the hairdresser "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant up on that balcony. Well good luck on this lousy trip of yours...you're going to need it!"


A month later the woman was back at the hairdresser for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked "So how did the trip go?"

"It was wonderful" said the woman. "Not only were we on one of Continental's newest plane but it was overbooked and they put us in 'first class' at no extra cost. The hotel was great...they'd just finished a $5 million refit and it's claimed to be the best hotel in the whole of Italy. Fortunately for us, they too were overbooked so they put us up in the owners private penthouse suite... at no extra cost."

"Well that's all well and good....but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope"

"Actually, we did!" said the woman. "We were the 1 millionth visitor this year and so we were given the opportunity to meet the Pope in person. We went into the Vatican and sure enough...there was the Pope waiting for us. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"REALLY!!" said the hairdresser "What did he say?"

The woman replied........

He said 'Where did you get that lousy hairdo??"

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Tue May 07, 2013 1:06 am

affraid affraid cheers cheers cheers lol! lol!


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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Tue May 07, 2013 8:36 am

In 1997 at the age of 87 and not acquainted with modern technology, Ruth was given a "cordless" phone by her son. He lived 1500 miles away. After setting it up and showing her how to use it he went home and called her. "How is your new phone working, Mom." Her reply astonished him. "Oh we took it back. It wouldn't work. It did not even have a cord."

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Wed May 08, 2013 8:19 am

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”

“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”

“Fine then, just walk this white line.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Thu May 09, 2013 8:03 am


FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN WOMEN.

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she stayed over at a girlfiend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 closest friends...... none of them knew anything about it!


FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN MEN.

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he stayed over at a buddy's house. The wife call her husband's 10 closest friends..........

8 of them confirmed that he'd slept at their place...and 2 claimed that he was still there.



.....Yes! You know what I'm talking about don't you lads?

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Fri May 10, 2013 1:25 am

affraid affraid cheers cheers cheers lol! lol!

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Fri May 10, 2013 9:02 am

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Sat May 11, 2013 7:43 am

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Pettry amzanig huh?

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Sun May 12, 2013 2:53 am

affraid affraid cheers cheers cheers lol! lol!

Taht is amzanig lol!


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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.

"Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg with the pin."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.

"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried in pain as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.

"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"Christ!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again Mr Jones," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.
As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband with the pin, who yelled....

"You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your a???"

"Amen!" shouted the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Mon May 13, 2013 7:34 am

Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly.

"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick says, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Tue May 14, 2013 1:49 am

affraid affraid cheers cheers cheers lol! lol!


Excellent.

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See we have a couple of new members no posts yet.

I don't know who is.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Tue May 14, 2013 8:26 am

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.
The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Wed May 15, 2013 7:56 am

A Brit was travelling in America. He pulled into a small town and stopped for breakfast. He was enjoying his toast, jam and coffee when a rather 'loud' American sat down at the same table. The Brit ignored the man, who sat opposite him, irritatingly chewing gum with an open mouth. The American finally spoke:

American: "You British folks eat all the toast?"

Brit: (in a bad mood) "Yes we do."

American: (after blowing a huge gum bubble) "We don't. We save the crusts, recycle them, make them into bread and sell it to Britain."

The American has a smirk on his face. The Brit continues with his breakfast.

American: (cracking his bubble gum between his teeth and chuckling) "I see you are eating jam."

Brit: "Of course."

American: "We don't eat jam here. We eat healthy fresh fruit for breakfast, then we take all the peel and leftovers from the fruit and make it into jam and sell it to Britain."

After a moment of silence the Brit asks:
"Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Sure man! Of course we do."

Brit: "What do you do with the used condoms?"

American: "We throw them away of course."

Brit: "We don't. We save them, melt them down, make them into bubble gum and sell it to America."

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Wed May 15, 2013 9:39 am

affraid cheers cheers cheers cheers lol! lol!


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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Thu May 16, 2013 8:08 am

A couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 18th April 2013

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It's hotter than blazes down here!

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Fri May 17, 2013 1:39 am

affraid affraid cheers cheers cheers lol! lol!


Excellent

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 23   Fri May 17, 2013 8:00 am

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato bags.

Then try 50lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)



After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

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