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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Jokes Jokes 8   Sat Oct 13, 2012 9:28 am

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool , Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 8   Mon Oct 15, 2012 10:04 am

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 8   Wed Oct 17, 2012 9:13 am

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"

After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"

At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on an radio link. When he had finished, there
was silence for about ten seconds.

Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 8   Wed Oct 17, 2012 11:54 am

cheers cheers lol! lol!

Goodies Tommy

Regards

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 8   Thu Oct 18, 2012 9:32 am

I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and
she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These Taser guns are well worth the money

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 8   Fri Oct 19, 2012 2:15 am

lol! lol! lol! lol!

Brilliant one Tommy, cheers

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Your jokes are getting great Guest Visitor views.
Keep up the great work.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 8   Sun Oct 21, 2012 8:41 am

I was pulled over by the police last night as part of their Drink Driving Campaign. And this obnoxious policewoman asked in a very condescending manner, "How much have you had to drink sir?" Apparently, "Not enough to sleep with you!" wasn't the correct answer!!!!

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 8   Wed Oct 24, 2012 9:29 am

Forgot my glasses ...

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?

You're almost 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You are crazy, where are your glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week!


Life as a senior citizen is not

getting any easier.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 8   Thu Oct 25, 2012 9:24 am

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
...
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad
eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150." :-)

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 8   Thu Oct 25, 2012 7:08 pm


One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 8   Fri Oct 26, 2012 12:39 am

cheers cheers cheers lol! lol!

Goodies as usual.

Regards

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 8   Sat Oct 27, 2012 9:20 am

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 8   Sun Oct 28, 2012 12:11 am

cheers lol! cheers lol! cheers


That should have been obvious cheers

Love your thumbnail.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 8   Mon Oct 29, 2012 6:59 am

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the
foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A man walks into a bar & says "Ouch"

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