Jokes..Jokes,, 7

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
“Living Will”
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each and made a profit of €898.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .

Four men have been going fishing for many years.
This year, Ron's girlfriend put her foot down and told him he wasn't going. Bitterly disappointed, he phoned and told the others that he couldn't go.Two days later, the others arrived at the camping site, only to find Ron sitting there with a tent already set up. "Ron, how did you talk your girlfriend into letting you go?"
"Well, yesterday evening, after my girlfriend finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Grey," she dragged me into the bedroom. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did. Then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am!
__________________

I was at at Asda buying a bag of Bakers Choice for my dog, while in the check-out line a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Bakers Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensiv...
e care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Bakers Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a kerb to sniff a poodle's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say

Great ones Tommy.

Still laughing.

Regards

Retro

No NURSING HOME FOR me!!!

No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for nursing home care costing £100 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.

I've already checked on reservations at Holiday Inn hotels.
A combined long term stay discount and senior discount is £40 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves £60 a day for lunch and dinner anywhere we choose, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a gym, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

£3 of tips a day will get the staff making extra efforts to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a bus stop nearby and seniors ride free.

To meet other nice people, try the church on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take an airport bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.


They have a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.



And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you so happy, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.


The grandkids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.

I'm ready. I'm ready.

regards Retro

Ha,,ha,, the two of us could go there.. pay for 1 and get 1 free..

Regards

Retro

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

That sounds like my luck


Regards

Retro

WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES



Former President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?'

Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Cheney says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?

Cheney "See I told you, no one cares if we kill the muslims".

Brilliant.




Regards

Retro

Paddy texts his wife& says, mary im just having 1 more pint and then
> i'll be home. If im not home in 20 mins just read this text again!!!
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Can u spare just £2? Ranji is a 24yr old muslim man in pakistan. He
> has one leg, one arm and one eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles for
> water along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes
> and only one pedal. If you send us just £2, we will send you the dvd-
> its hilarious!!
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The wife asked what I was doing on the computer. I said I was looking
> for cheap flights.
> She got all excited, which is strange as she's never shown any
> interest in darts before.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy buys a chainsaw which guarantees to cut down 40 trees in a hour!!!
> Paddy sets to work but only cuts 20 in the hour!
> So paddy takes it back to the shop He says to the shop owner this
> dosnt cut 40 a hour, ive only done 20.
> With that the shop owner starts up the chainsaw!!
> Paddy looks at him an says,
> "what the ****s that noise!!"
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> I said to my son, "Where you going?"
>
> He said, "I'm off to meet a girl."
>
> I said, "Don't forget to wear a... you know."
>
> He said, "What?"
>
> I said, "You know."
>
> He said, "Do you mean a condom?"
>
> I said,"No, a ****ing hat you ginger twat."
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Why arent there any male Agony Aunts ?
> "Dear Jim, I left home for work last week and after less than a mile
> my car stalled and wouldn't start. I walked back to our home to find
> my 18yr babysitter handcuffed to the bed in stockings,and my husband
> knelt behind
> her They announced that the affair had been going on for two years and
> that they were deeply in love!
> Can you help I'm devastated and so desperate!
> Dear Mary :
> The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is
> dirt in the fuel lines, if not
> then it may be the alternator.
> I hope this advice helps. Jim."
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Paddy comes home from work to find his wife propping up her
> washing machine on one side with 2 bricks
> ' what the **** are you doing' asks paddy
> His wife replies ' doing the washing at 30 degrees you thick bugger'
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Wife with PMT:
> "OY DO YOU WANT ANY DINNER?" husband: "what choices are there?"
> wife : "YES OR ****ING NO!
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Just been to the doctors to have a mole removed from my penis. RSPCA are
> letting me off with a warning
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> my girlfriend told me to see things from a woman's point of view so i
> looked out of the kitchen window.
>

Goodies Tommy

Regards

Retro