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 Jokes Jokes 3

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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Jokes Jokes 3   Mon Aug 06, 2012 7:31 am

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....



The driver won £52!

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."


Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.



Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"



Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."




Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find he shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."




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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Mon Aug 06, 2012 8:31 am

lol! lol! lol!

Good ones Tommy.

Regards Retro.

(Still hoping for more Members) study

I'm trying not to poach anyone from other sites I'm on but might have to eventually. Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes

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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Tue Aug 07, 2012 9:07 am



Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.



Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Tue Aug 07, 2012 9:10 am

Admin wrote:
lol! lol! lol!

Good ones Tommy.

Regards Retro.

(Still hoping for more Members) study

I'm trying not to poach anyone from other sites I'm on but might have to eventually. Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes

You just ask the members on other sites..they can say yes or no.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Wed Aug 08, 2012 10:54 am

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".



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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Thu Aug 09, 2012 9:01 pm

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's Bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's Bar?" :-)

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Fri Aug 10, 2012 1:18 am

lol! lol! lol!

Good ones.


Shortly will have another member. Mainly for Art. However is a start.


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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Fri Aug 10, 2012 10:15 am









Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"


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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Fri Aug 10, 2012 11:36 am

lol! lol! lol!

I don't need to say I'm feeling bad. Just one look and out comes the gun. Laughing

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Mon Aug 13, 2012 9:17 am

bounce Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Mon Aug 13, 2012 9:42 am

lol! lol! lol!

Good one Tommy.

Regards
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We've got two more Members now so hopefully we'll get more replies eventually than just mine. Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Tue Aug 14, 2012 7:22 am


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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Tue Aug 14, 2012 7:57 am

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!

That is a goody. Laughing

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AussieLyn



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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Thu Aug 16, 2012 3:40 am

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.


Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend
:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.


The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,


.









" What's for dinner, Zorro?"




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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Thu Aug 16, 2012 3:45 am

Good one AussieLyn

lol! lol! lol!

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Thu Aug 16, 2012 2:46 pm

Ha..Ha.. nice one..

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Fri Aug 17, 2012 1:54 am

Hi Tommy

Make a new Topic header. Jokes Jokes 4.

Thanks mate.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Fri Aug 17, 2012 9:57 am


A bloke takes his pet Rottweiler to the vet's because it had a slight ear infection. The vet picks the dog up and after a thorough examination says "I'm terribly sorry but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down."

The man starts crying and chokes out " In God's name why? Because he has a slight ear infection?"

"No" replies the vet " He's getting heavy."

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Fri Aug 17, 2012 9:58 am

This thread wont take Jokes 4.. you start one for me.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Jokes 3   Fri Aug 17, 2012 10:20 am

lol! lol! lol!

Good one.

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