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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Jokes..Jokes 29   Thu Aug 22, 2013 6:56 am

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans.... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Fri Aug 23, 2013 9:43 am

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Sat Aug 24, 2013 9:47 am

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Sun Aug 25, 2013 3:30 am

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy bounce bounce bounce cheers cheers cheers affraid affraid lol! lol! 

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Sun Aug 25, 2013 10:01 am

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

Well folks got anything you would like to add to this???

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Mon Aug 26, 2013 7:03 am

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.
She then goes for a drive in the country and stumbles upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd man, if I guess how many sheep there are, can I have one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees.

She shouts out "352!"
The shepherd is stunned but keeps to his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly "awww isn't he just the cutest!!!"

"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "if I guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Tue Aug 27, 2013 2:37 am

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy bounce bounce cheers cheers lol! lol! 

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Tue Aug 27, 2013 8:58 am

Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...







The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"




The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."




One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge..





He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Wed Aug 28, 2013 3:23 am

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy bounce bounce affraid affraid affraid lol! lol! lol! 

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Wed Aug 28, 2013 9:01 am

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,

"Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Thu Aug 29, 2013 3:21 am

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes affraid affraid cheers cheers albino lol! lol! 

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Thu Aug 29, 2013 6:02 am

Q. Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants when he went golfing?

A. In case he got a "hole in one".

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Fri Aug 30, 2013 3:16 am

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes affraid affraid cheers lol! 

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Fri Aug 30, 2013 9:58 am

An old lady answered a knock at her door and found the caller was a vacuum cleaner salesman.
Before she had chance to speak, the salesman emptied a bucket full of dog poo onto her hall carpet, then said to her :"madam if this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of that dog poo from your carpet, I will eat the rest of it off myself"

The little old lady replied :


"Well I hope you're hungry, because they cut my electric off this morning"

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Sat Aug 31, 2013 9:53 am

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her..

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and
he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .



Wait for it. .



It's coming. .




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?





She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Sun Sep 01, 2013 2:37 am

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy bounce bounce affraid affraid cheers cheers lol! lol! 

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Sun Sep 01, 2013 8:45 am

Patel was bragging to his boss one day,"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.

"Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Patel how about
Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Patel and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door,and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Patel! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Patel's boss is still sceptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Patel that he thinks Patel's
knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Patel
says."President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Patel says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off
they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Patel on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Patel , what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Patel who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Patel . "My folks are from
Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Patel and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican Square when Patel says," This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Patel emerges with the Pope on the
balcony.

But by the time Patel returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Patel asks him, what happened?

"His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Patel?"

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Mon Sep 02, 2013 10:17 am

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Tue Sep 03, 2013 9:39 am

Prince Charles decides it is time to get fit, and takes up jogging.

Every day as he jogs on his route, he sees a prostitute on a street corner. Every day the same prostitue shouts to him "50 quid for an hour sir?"

Every day Prince Charles jokingly replies "5 pounds ?" This goes on everyday for several weeks.

One day Camilla decides to join Charles on his daily jog. As the two of them begin jogging Charles begins to worry about whether the prostitute will be on the street corner and how he will explain away the comments she and he make to each other. As they head towards the street corner Charles begins to really worry as he sees the prostitute in her usual spot....

As he and Camilla approach, he grits his teeth waiting for the prostitute to shout her usual offer....and decides that today he must ignore her

As they approach the prostitute shouts to Charles

"See what you get for a fiver you tight old bastard "...

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Wed Sep 04, 2013 1:18 am

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy bounce bounce bounce cheers cheers cheers affraid affraid lol! lol! 

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Wed Sep 04, 2013 9:20 am

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Thu Sep 05, 2013 8:49 am

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: “Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man.”
“How about that!” he exclaimed. “They’ve got three people buried in one grave.”

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Fri Sep 06, 2013 9:54 am

Tommy Johnston
Dear Son,

Your Pa has a new job. The first in 48 years. We are a little better, off now, getting $17.96 every Thursday. So we up and thought we'd do a little fixin’ up. We sent to Rosemont and Seasbuck for one of them there bathrooms you hear so much about and it took a plumber to put it in shape.
On one side of the room is a great big long thing, something like the hogs drink out of, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing called a sink, this is for light washing, like face and hands, but over in the other corner we really got something.
There you put one foot in, wash it clean, pull a chain and get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the darn thing and we ain't had any use for them in the bathroom, so I'm using one for a bread board and the other we framed grandmother's picture in.
They were awful nice people to deal with and they sent us a roll of writing paper with it.
Take care of yourself son.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Sat Sep 07, 2013 10:45 am

I’ve never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you?
“All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 29   Sun Sep 08, 2013 9:00 am

Good Bye Grandpa


A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."


The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'... The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."


The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."


The next day the grandmother died.


"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."


Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.


He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.


When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"


He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."


She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

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