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tommy.irene

tommy.irene


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PostSubject: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeFri Jul 05, 2013 8:33 am


Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
HOWEVER, Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, so she decided not to wait.... and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient!

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Protestants watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeSat Jul 06, 2013 7:56 am

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense , who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; - Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, -by his parents, Truth and Trust, -by his wife, Discretion, -by his daughter, Responsibility, -and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers; - I Know My Rights - I Want It Now - Someone Else Is To Blame - I'm A Victim - Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone!
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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeSun Jul 07, 2013 8:41 am

Young Paddy moved to Kent and bought a Donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry Paddy, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Paddy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Paddy said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What are you going do with him?" P addy said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Paddy said, "Sure I can. Watch me ... I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'what happened with that dead donkey?"

Paddy said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two quid a piece and made a profit of £898."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Paddy said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two quid back.
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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeMon Jul 08, 2013 8:05 am

An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asks her, 'Ma'am did you know that you were speeding?'

Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells out, 'He says you were speeding!'
The Garda said, 'May I see your license, please ma'am?'

Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, 'What did he say?'

Once more, Mick, shouts out, 'He wants to see your license!'

Irene gives the policeman her driving license.

The Garda retorts, 'I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.'

For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells very loudly, 'He thinks he knows you!'
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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeTue Jul 09, 2013 8:21 am

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember.... They walk among us!!! They reproduce!!!***
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeTue Jul 09, 2013 8:28 am

affraid affraid affraid cheers cheers cheers cheers bounce bounce bounce Basketball Basketball Basketball lol! lol! lol! 

My Modem playing up. Keeps falling out on internet.

Getting new one thursday.

Regards

Retro
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tommy.irene

tommy.irene


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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeTue Jul 09, 2013 9:22 am

Admin wrote:
affraid affraid affraid cheers cheers cheers cheers bounce bounce bounce Basketball Basketball Basketball lol! lol! lol! 

My Modem playing up. Keeps falling out on internet.

Getting new one thursday.

Regards

Retro
You should keep your zipper closed and nothing will fall out...
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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeWed Jul 10, 2013 8:15 am

IRISH PETROL STATION...A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales,so he put up a sign that read,"Free sex with every fill up"Paddy pulled in,filled his tank,and asked for his free sex..The owner told him to pick a number from 1-10,and said that if he guessed correctly,he would get his free sex.Paddy guessed 8,and the owner said,"You were very close,there the lucky number was 7 sorry,no sex this time...A week later,Paddy with his friend Mick,pulled in for another fill up,again Paddy asked for his free sex.The owner again gave him the same story,and asked him to guess the correct number,paddy guessed 2.The owner said,sorry it was 3,you were very close,but no free sex this time.As they were driving away,Mick said to Paddy,i think that game is rigged,and doesn't really give away free sex at all.Paddy replied,"No,its genuine enough mick,my wife won twice last week,and she's going back tomorrow to try again!"
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeThu Jul 11, 2013 2:39 am

affraid affraid affraid cheers cheers cheers lol! lol! 

Regards

Retro

PS. Fixed Zipper today lol!
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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeThu Jul 11, 2013 7:08 am

Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mum and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mum if Paul and Mary are up yet.

She replies - No.

Johnny asks - Do you know what I think?

His mum replies - I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum -

Are Paul and Mary up yet?

She replies - No.

Johnny says - Do you know what I think?
His mum replies - Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.

After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet?

His mom says - No.

He asks - Do you know what I think?

His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think

He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think..

I gave him my airplane glue.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeFri Jul 12, 2013 7:16 am

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy bounce bounce pale pale lol! lol! 

Regards

Retro
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tommy.irene

tommy.irene


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Join date : 2012-07-27
Location : Gran Canaria..Canary Isles.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeFri Jul 12, 2013 8:16 am

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!
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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeSat Jul 13, 2013 8:00 am

During an army basic training, the lieutenant took the batch on a match and asked each of them where home was. After everyone had answered, he sneered and said "you are all wrong, the army is now your home".
Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to say "you bet I do" the sergeant replied, "men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly made, clothes not hanging correctly, shoes not shined and footlockers a mess. Where do you think you are? Home?
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeSun Jul 14, 2013 1:09 am

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy cheers cheers lol! lol! 

Regards

Retro
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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeSun Jul 14, 2013 8:03 am

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeMon Jul 15, 2013 6:16 pm

This one's a Cracker !

IT'S a HEART WARMING LAWYER STORY.


One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.


The grass is almost a foot high ! "
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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeTue Jul 16, 2013 7:32 am

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your father read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address 'cause the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut 'em off and put them in the pockets.

Your father has a new job with several hundred people under him. He cuts the lawn at the cemetery.

About your sister - she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes. Your Uncle Joe fell in the whisky vat yesterday - some men tried to pull him out but he fought 'em all off and finally drowned. We cremated him right after and he's still burning good this morning.

The neighbors next door have started to keep pigs. We just got wind of it this morning.

Your father took me to the doctor's the other day. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father tried to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week. Once for three days, then for four days. It was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck, one was driving, two in the back. The driver rolled the window down and swam out. The two in the back couldn't get the tail-gate open so they drowned too. Not much news this time, nothing much happens round here, will try to write more next time.

Love, Your Mama

P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.
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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeWed Jul 17, 2013 6:05 am

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeThu Jul 18, 2013 3:34 am

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy bounce bounce cheers cheers lol! 

Regards

Retro
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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeThu Jul 18, 2013 8:19 am

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeFri Jul 19, 2013 8:30 am


A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeSat Jul 20, 2013 8:50 am

After a long night of making love,
The guy notices a photo of another man,
On the woman's table by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?"
He nervously asks.

"No, silly,"
She replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?"
He continues.
"No, not at all,"
She says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?"
He inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! Oh....You are SO sexy when you're jealous!"
She teases.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?"
He demands!!!!

She whispers in his ear
"That's me before the surgery."
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeSun Jul 21, 2013 8:22 am

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeMon Jul 22, 2013 8:24 am

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes..Jokes 27   Jokes..Jokes  27 I_icon_minitimeTue Jul 23, 2013 7:07 am

Yorkshire guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and by chance is served by a Yorkshire barmaid. As she takes his order of a pint of Tetley Bitter, she notices his accent.

Over the course of the evening, they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him, she says no. He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Tetley's and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for £200.

She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights, on the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Tetley's but goes and sits in the corner.

The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Yorkshire.

'Leeds' he tells her. 'So am I, what suburb?' She enquires 'Headingley' he replies 'That's amazing' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?' 'Boycott Street ' he replies 'That is unbelievable.......' She says, her voice quivering. 'What number?' 'Number 20' he replies She is totally astonished . 'You are not going to believe this she screams, but I'm from number 22, my parents still live there.'

'I know..' he says, 'Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you.'
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