Ha Ha .. Joke Thread

I have a new neighbour.
She's single.
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
... I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door.
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny!
I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.


He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.


'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.


At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.


She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?


He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!

Tello goes into a tavern and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally walks over to her and asks tentatively, “Umm, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, Tello is hopelessly and completely embarrassed, and so he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean two hundred dollars?”

Good ones Tommy.

I have set up a new Category for your Jokes as you can see.

It's great having someone here who posts. I'm sure as we get New Members they will appreciate greatly your joke posts

Many regards to you and yours.


Retribution.

PS If you have friends you feel might like to join they would be very welcome.

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659
(THE CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY)

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this .. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honour, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just Lost it."__________________

Keep 'em coming.


Retro.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, Officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man growls at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking.'

Sounds like my wife.


Retribution

Hi Tommy

Great to see your avatar on here.

I'm having problems trying to get my signature to show up on bottom of posts.

Tried everything the hosts have suggested but not happening. Hope they can sort it.


Regards

Retribution.

The Old Man and the Sea
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

Got to watch those hooks.


Managed finally to get signatures fixed.

Regards

Retribution.

*One day I was walking down the beach in Scarborough with some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

----------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate Agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafe
when we overheard a girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said,
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.

They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------
I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------------------
While my friend working at a pizza parlour, he observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. The man appeared to be alone and my friend asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. The man thought about it for some time then said "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

They Walk Among Us!



--------------------------------------------------

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function . The Interviewer took the opportunity to schmooze the good Doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' he asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked the Interviewer.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

The Interviewer thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'






Sadly, they walk among us!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't belittle stupidity.

Good one Tommy.

Regards

Retro.


PS We've had a few lookers going by the "Visitors please read" thread. 37 last time I looked. Take a few off for ourselves would still be around 30.

Hopefully some will join sooner or later. Meantime it's like living in an empty castle with just us two here.

The two of us and its your turn to make the tea..

Would you want scones, jam and cream with that?

If so we need to rob an unsuspecting visitor to the castle so we can afford to purchase.

The cupboard is bare.


Regards
Retro