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 JOKES..JOKES 12

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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: JOKES..JOKES 12   Sun Dec 02, 2012 7:58 am

Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?"
Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!"
Policeman: "How can you be so certain?"
Pedestrian: "I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!"

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Mon Dec 03, 2012 7:47 am

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Tue Dec 04, 2012 6:28 am

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win your money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

Grandpa said “I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it! How about I give you a demonstration?”

The auditor thought for a moment and said, “Okay, Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thought for a moment and said, “It's a bet.”

Immediately Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Then Grandpa says, “Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Obviously the auditor can tell that Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa then removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He now starts to get nervous.

”Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks with a smile, “I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage to do that, so he agrees again to the bet

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But now, Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands and is visibly distressed.

”Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

”Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!”

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Tue Dec 04, 2012 11:18 pm

cheers cheers cheers cheers cheers lol!

Good ones Tommy

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Wed Dec 05, 2012 5:46 am

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Sun Dec 09, 2012 2:01 am

lol! lol! lol!

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Sun Dec 09, 2012 10:09 am

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through
Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them
through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was
used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in
America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send
us on bus tours!

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Mon Dec 10, 2012 8:31 am

A guy walks into a bar, sits at the counter and said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender" on my tab. Every one got a drink and thanked the man. After a while he man said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender. Put it on my tab." Everybody got their drinks and thanked the man. The bar tender pulled the man to the side and asked him "You know this is going to be a lot of money, can you pay for this? The man said "No". The bar tender took the man in the back, beat him up, and threw him out the back door. The man brushed himself off, and went back into the bar. He sat down and said "Drinks, everybody, on me. Except for you bar tender, you don't know how to act when you get drunk




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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Tue Dec 11, 2012 9:06 am

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Wed Dec 12, 2012 2:17 am

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!

Good ones Tommy.

Love your Signature Avatar.

Your jokes are very popular considering guest look numbers.

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Thu Dec 13, 2012 11:34 am


Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"


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Last edited by tommy.irene on Tue Dec 18, 2012 7:40 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Fri Dec 14, 2012 12:49 am

cheers Shocked afro afro Question

Hi Tommy

This joke I must admit alludes me lol!

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Fri Dec 14, 2012 9:17 am

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Fri Dec 14, 2012 11:09 am

cheers cheers cheers cheers affraid lol!


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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Sat Dec 15, 2012 8:55 am

The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Sun Dec 16, 2012 9:25 am





Re: a joke



I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.










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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Mon Dec 17, 2012 9:48 am

One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the town love to play jokes on visitors. After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the cowboy went in. "A cup of milk please." he said to the bartender. After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing. Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody," I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas - HERE!" The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back. Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy,” What did you do in Texas?"
The Cowboy replied," Well, I had to walk home
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Tue Dec 18, 2012 7:42 am

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. 'The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES..JOKES 12   Wed Dec 19, 2012 12:46 am

cheers cheers cheers cheers lol!

Goodies.

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