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 JOKES .. JOKES 10

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tommy.irene

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PostSubject: JOKES .. JOKES 10   Sun Nov 11, 2012 8:32 am

.Hymie, sitting next to a Muslim on a plane, has just been served a whisky.

The stewardess asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replies in disgust, "I rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor pass my lips."

Hymie hands his drink back and says, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES .. JOKES 10   Sun Nov 11, 2012 10:58 pm

cheers cheers cheers cheers cheers

Excellent!

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES .. JOKES 10   Mon Nov 12, 2012 9:22 am

Becky, Hymie's wife, is giving advice to her niece.

"Ruthie" she says, "here are five tips for a woman looking to be married.

1. It's important that the man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It's important that the man makes you laugh.
3. It's important to find a man you can count on and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important that the man loves you and spoils you.
5. It's important that these four men don't know each other."

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES .. JOKES 10   Tue Nov 13, 2012 7:09 am

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.




19 go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
One replies, "The film said 18 or over."

Read more: http://ozroundtable.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=general&thread=2&page=1#ixzz2C5GTDnMJ

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES .. JOKES 10   Tue Nov 13, 2012 2:21 pm

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from €250 to €500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the €500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the €500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for €500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
The funeral is on Thursday.

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES .. JOKES 10   Tue Nov 13, 2012 11:23 pm

cheers cheers cheers cheers lol!


See your site. Will visit.

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES .. JOKES 10   Wed Nov 14, 2012 7:00 am

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said,

"Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"!

"Sorry, Who?"

"Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

"Sounds like he was something really special."

"There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

"Wow. Sounds like some bloke."

"He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

"An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

"Well, that's the sad part, you see I never actually met Brian. Unfortunately he died, and I'm married to his f***ing' widow."
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES .. JOKES 10   Wed Nov 14, 2012 11:05 pm

cheers cheers cheers cheers cheers

Excellent one Tommy.

Got me right to the last line. lol!

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES .. JOKES 10   Thu Nov 15, 2012 5:34 am

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut from 72 to only 45. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings, and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is very unfair."

Speaking from his lean-to in the West Midlands town of Tipton, where he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my members that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.



Apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are no longer so keen on going to paradise.
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PostSubject: Re: JOKES .. JOKES 10   Thu Nov 15, 2012 7:12 pm


A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really, really, heavy'

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES .. JOKES 10   Thu Nov 15, 2012 11:21 pm

cheers cheers cheers cheers cheers cheers cheers

Loved those. Number one was absolutely brilliant.

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES .. JOKES 10   Fri Nov 16, 2012 7:25 am

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it's paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:
"'Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES .. JOKES 10   Fri Nov 16, 2012 7:36 pm

An approaching occasion was our 25th Wedding anniversary and I was looking for a novel and interesting present for my dear wife.

Last weekend on a day trip to Calais for 'supplies' I saw something in one of those bloke-toy shops that sparked my interest. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Sounds perfect, right ?

To cut a long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Impressive !

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Ann what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave.

So there I was, home alone, with this new toy, Thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only AAA batteries, right ? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and tee shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and the mini-Taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would "shock and disorient your assailant"; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. "Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries".

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two 'ickle AAA batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, you plonker !' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny thing couldn't hurt all that badly. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . BANG ! CRACKLE !

I'm pretty sure Giant Haystacks ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and major tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was an abstract thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped myself, but was too numb to know for sure as my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my now-departed hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it !

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES .. JOKES 10   Fri Nov 16, 2012 11:13 pm

cheers cheers cheers cheers lol! cheers

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES .. JOKES 10   Sat Nov 17, 2012 8:55 am

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

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PostSubject: Re: JOKES .. JOKES 10   Sat Nov 17, 2012 9:58 pm

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy cheers cheers lol!

So True.

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